7. On Pain
I love sport, and I’ve always played a lot of it. Most of the time it involves a hard ball, and therefore the possibility of damaging bodily contact. As a younger cricketer, there were certainly times when I was afraid of being hit by a blunt leather object coming at me. But I rarely actually got struck; the fear was primarily rooted in the anticipation of potential blows. Then I got older, took a few actual hits, and survived to tell the tale. And started to feel like I’d taken steps to conquer some of that fear. Sport is full of cliches and, for many years, “no pain, no gain” flouted across the playing fields. However, it seemed fairly meaningless outside of the realm of the physical.
I didn’t associate with the idea of emotional pain in a tangible way until my late twenties. Not in a truly, gut-wrenching, the-walls-of-the-world-are-closing-in kind of way. Looking back now, it should have been obvious to me from what I’d learned from all those years of sport. That the more you get hit, and get back up, the better equipped you are to deal with the fear of future pain.
Sport has a simple, blunt relationship to pain.
Emotional pain is not always so simple.
But one truth unites them:
The more times you can get up, the less you fear the next blow.
Our relationship with pain starts at a very young age. When we’re babies, pain is highly important for us. If we touch something hot, or sharp, we feel pain, we cry, we hopefully receive care and support for our pain and learn not to touch the hot and sharp things again. As we grow, it takes on different, more complex uses. It might be experienced when we attempt something new; riding a bike and falling off, trying to catch a ball but it crunching against our fingers, playing a musical instrument in front of others for the first time - badly. Different forms of pain are experienced as we try to develop new skills, and as we continue to grow.
We get older and start experimenting with exercise routines. Whenever we start a new physical exertion for the first time, discomfort is coming our way. Whether we run, hike, cycle, do yoga or weights or any other activity, we cause those tiny little tears in our muscles, that become the pain of stiffness the next day as those muscles repair themselves. And in doing so, they become that little bit stronger.
Pain is one of the fundamental learning and development aids throughout our lives.
But why is it so easy to forget this when it comes to emotional pain?
Pain is necessary for growth.
We cannot develop, progress or grow, without subjecting ourself to some form of pain, or discomfort.
But as we get older, it seems like this lesson becomes easier and easier to forget. For some, pain is seen as an inconvenience that has no business turning up at their door of life.
“The desire to avoid rejection at all costs, to avoid confrontation and conflict, the desire to attempt to accept everything equally and to make everything cohere and harmonize, is a deep and subtle form of entitlement.”
Consider someone that you admire, or who has done something you regard as admirable; your best friend who ran a marathon, your mum who recovered from cancer, your nephew who wrote a book, Nelson Mandela’s oppression under the apartheid regime. Each and every one of those people experienced some form of pain along the way, often on immense scales. Whether physical in their trials, training or recovery, or mentally, through discipline and sacrifice - or more often than not, both. The reason why we admire feats such as these is because they represent growth. They stand out to us as beacons of what’s possible. The prospect of growth is what keeps us all moving forward, propping open a door towards a brighter, potentially different future.
There’s a reason why there aren’t any books written or movies made about the person who woke up each day, drove to work without incident, filed papers carefully with a thumb protector, returned home to a peaceful sleep and started again the next day. Into infinity. Without ever encountering an obstacle.
We only value stories that involve someone overcoming adversity, having the courage to conquer their mountain, because it shows their desire to achieve growth. Growth is what drives us as a species. It keeps us alert to the threats evolving around us. And accepting pain into that equation becomes a necessary part of any story that involves that ambition.
Once we realise this we can also make an important connection to negative emotions. We are able to transform a negative emotion that might cause us pain from being something that we want to avoid, to seeing it as something that is necessary for growth.
To expect to be able to grow without experiencing some form of pain is, well as Mark Manson says, pure entitlement. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that option in life simply doesn’t exist. If we choose to avoid pain, to hide from it at every opportunity, we choose to give up the possibility of growth.
Of course, the converse can be true, too. Not all pain is meant to be endured endlessly in the pursuit of growth. If you are experiencing pain but there is no prospect for growth, it might be time to think seriously about removing that source of pain from your life. A decision that might be, in itself, painful, but the start of growth.
“Those who are prepared for pain are the most resilient in the face of pain. Those who expect challenges are the most ready to face challenges. Being resilient doesn’t mean feeling good all the time—it means you’re okay with feeling bad - sometimes.”
I’ve heard courage described as doing things that cause temporary discomfort or pain for the goal of the greater good.
But what is the greater good? In this context, I believe it means growth; developing a life that is more in line with the values you want to live. But this can only be done if we choose to learn through our pain.
With physical pain, we benefit from having immediate feedback. With emotional pain, it’s not always evident where our growth will come from, or when. And that’s where courage enters. Courage is trusting that without the pain you’re experiencing, you cannot grow. Growth will follow if you give it time, even if you cannot see it at that moment. Believing in that means to be courageous.
This is what Mark Manson refers to in his best-selling book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. He’s not saying “don’t give a f*ck”. It’s the opposite. What he’s saying is ‘be highly selective about what you give a f*ck about - because those choices are going to bring you moments of pain, but are also your path for growth’.
“A happy life is not a life without struggle, it’s a life with meaningful struggle”
If pain is not only inevitable, but good for us, the question changes from ‘How can I avoid or reduce pain?’ to ‘What am I willing to suffer for?’
Pain is necessary for growth.
We cannot develop, progress or grow, without subjecting ourself to some form of pain, or discomfort.
These posts are written to remind our readers that; Life is hard, we’re all just trying our best and we could all do with a little help, no matter where it comes from.
How did the thoughts above impact on how you think about Learning from Pain? We’d love to hear your comments below.