The difference between happiness and meaning.

Over the past decade, a number of different pieces of research have emerged which seem to indicate that having children, on average, makes people less happy.

Initially, this seems to go against accepted wisdom. We often hear how children are a gift, bundles of joy, and can’t be lived without. Society in some ways perhaps pressures many to feel that this is how they should feel.

Disclaimer: I don’t have children of my own. So, while this isn’t a view on parenthood, make of that what you might.

But the research seems to indicate that the huge financial pressures they bring, the added stresses of lack of sleep, lack of time for parent’s own selves, and their partner, their work, their hobbies, their own friends etc. all take significant hits while raising children.

For many, these are the very things that made their lives pleasurable previously, but are suddenly hugely restricted because of the practical constraints of parenthood. We literally do less of the things that make us happy, to do a lot of other things for other beings.

That is, of course, not to say that children don’t offer moments of undeniable and incomparable happiness. But more that these moments can quickly fade away once the realities of preparing dinner, putting another load of washing on, and packing the right kit for the next day’s plethora of activities come round again.

Just like they did the day before, and will do so tomorrow. Repeat, until parents find themselves in an empty nest 20 years down the line, if they’re lucky.

However, many parents also claim that their lives change once they have children. They feel a previously unknown level of meaning, and purpose. And this makes a lot of sense.

Children seem to offer huge opportunities to gain perspective, something philosophers have long known is critical to establishing enduring mental fortitude.

Perspective teaches us what it means to care for something greater than ourselves, to get a sense of our own mortality, to witness the passing of time in a way that is real and meaningful.

It teaches sacrifice, and delaying gratification, valuable lessons in the modern world that wants to tempt us into wanting everything now, right now, and all the time.

And that’s what I love about this research finding;

Moments of happiness can decrease when you have children in the home, but meaning and purpose often rise over time.

Too many gurus and online quick-fix champions want to link happiness with purpose. They want to create a sense that if you’re doing something that’s not making you happy, then you’re not following your purpose.

But it’s not that simple.

Doing purposeful things, or following your meaning, won’t always make you happy.

Few people finish a marathon grinning from ear to ear, and certainly don’t do so for the entire race. They experience peaks and troughs, dig through the pain, and emerge the other side feeling purposeful and proud. But not necessarily happy. That might come later, when they look back and hopefully laugh at the tough times.

But happiness and purpose are different things. And feeling one without the other doesn’t mean you’re doing either wrong.

Purposeful motivations should be embarked upon because we have decided for ourselves that they are worth the pain and sacrifice of endurance that they will undoubtedly bring, not out of expectation that they will make us happy.