Does ‘wanting what you have’ make you happier?
Does wanting what you have make you happier?
Because this is the age of immediate and short answers, here is mine, right up top:
It depends.
Well, that’s frustrating.
But then again, this is The Grey Life. Life is rarely straight forward, and neither is the question of whether or not happiness is about ‘wanting what you have’ or ‘having what you want’.
But there is a practical way you can choose to find out for yourself.
In the 1950s, a rabbi in the USA made the following claim:
“Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have.” - Rabbi Schachtel (1954)
Rabbi Hyman Judah Schachtel would rise to prominence in the 1960s when invited to give a prayer to the nation following the inauguration of Lyndon B Johnson, the USA’s 36th president.
Many regard this as the point where this concept caught momentum in broader public culture. But, of course, the Rabbi Schactel wasn’t the first.
Eastern philosophers have noted similar ideas for centuries, as have philosophers from the west and indeed across many different religions. Hell, even Friedrich Nietzsche, widely perceived (whether accurately or not) to have been one of the great miserable nihilists, had some thoughts on happiness when he said:
“Happiness is continuing to desire what you already possess.” - Nietzsche
And in our Instagram generation, the idea itself has taken hold in infinite quarters. Posts abound with this simple advice. The Grey Life has a history of flirting with it, too. It’s a contagious thought.
But is it true?
Well, in 2008, a bunch of researchers launched a study to test the claim. And they found that:
‘Results indicate that happiness is both wanting what you have and having what you want.’
In 2019, a further study was conducted, and it again revealed mixed data:
I’m not a statistician, but I can see that the above data is messy. Because it is. The concept of happiness often is. As it turns out, there weren’t many relationships for the researchers to draw out of the data. But that in itself is interesting.
If we look at the two red dots on the left graph, we can see that it’s possible for two people to score similarly on the ‘want what you have’ scale, yet result in very different levels of happiness.
Or by looking at the green ones, someone who scores much higher on the ‘want what you have’ front can have much lower happiness than someone who rates ‘wanting what you have’ much lower.
Happiness is messy.
And what that proves to me is that trying to figure out what works for you, is also messy.
In an unsurprising twist from The Grey Life, the secret to happiness lies in the figuring it out for yourself.
Maybe there’ll be times to prioritise having what you want, whether that’s rewarding yourself with a new phone after a well-earned bonus, or tracking down that outfit you’ve been chasing for months. It’s ok to want things, and to make a plan to have them.
But there’ll also be times when wanting what you have is going to be the answer. This approach allows you to be grateful for what’s in front of you in the present, rather than constantly living in a state of unsatisfied desires in the past or future.
I think the truth of happiness for you is that it’s going to require figuring out. And it may be very different to someone else’s pursuit.
So, a better question to ask yourself when it comes to happiness might be: are you willing to try to figure it out?
There’s no magic twist that I can serve up to give you the answer. But I can give you something to try in the every day.
I’m going to leave the ‘having what you want’ viewpoint to the worlds of consumerism, advertising and social media pressuring for the purposes of this blog.
So I think it might be more helpful to present a tactic to attempt to practice wanting what you have:
The next time you go to a restaurant, or coffee bar, try this:
Have you ever been seated at a restaurant, only to gaze longingly over to another table that seemingly has a more advantageous position?
Perhaps you’re envious of the view from there, or that it’s closer to the cooling breeze from the window, or that it offers the perfect backdrop for a group selfie over where you’re currently seated.
This is a great opportunity to practice wanting what you have.
Instead of focusing on trying to get what you think you want (the other table), it’s a chance to look into what you already have and it might be able to offer, and that perhaps you took for granted.
Maybe your current table is seated next to an interesting conversation that you can’t wait to subtly (or not) eavesdrop into. Or the wonky table leg gives you an opportunity to test your engineering skills with a napkin. Or your waiter seems particularly nice compared to the scowling figure moving across the other side of the room by the windows.
Instead of losing 5, 10, 15 minutes wondering what life could be like over yonder at another table, you have the option to delve into what you already have on offer where you currently are.
And practice the feeling of wanting what you have. Where can you find gratitude in the present, rather than getting lost in the ‘what might be’?
And maybe though that, you’ll feel a little boost of happiness.
And, as a result, you decide to try the same approach when you get back home in the evening in terms of appreciating the fact that you have a cooling balcony to sit on, rather than wishing you had your neighbour’s garden down below.
Or maybe you’ll get back and feel motivated to go straight to bed so you can wake up early to nail that presentation that might lead to the promotion you feel you deserve, which in turns means you could buy your neighbour’s property with the garden below in due course – and you really want that garden.
When it comes to happiness, I think it’s helpful to think less about finding the answer on a mug, or in an Instagram reel, or in a book.
It’s about summoning the willingness to try to figure it out what it means for yourself.
It’s about practicing different approaches that give you more information to do so.
It’s about accepting that some things will work for you, other things won’t.
But just staying the same, not venturing into the new, is the surest way avoid figuring it out.
And the next time you’re offered a table at a restaurant, look for the opportunity to do just that.
….That’s a pretty good table, to be fair.