Why you can’t make new habits stick
Have you ever found yourself excitedly coming across a potentially life-changing new habit or life hack, only to find yourself falling back into old routines after a short while?
Partly as a result of writing this blog, my Youtube and Linkedin feeds are littered with tips, hacks and advice for ‘what I should be doing to be the best version of myself’. Perhaps you’ve been there: you read a book or an article, or watch a Youtube video, about a new habit or life hack that could transform your life, get excited and motivated to implement it, but after a few days or weeks, fall back into old habits and routines. We’re left to wonder what went wrong, why we couldn't stick to it, and what's wrong with us.
Here’s a comforting truth.
It's fine if you struggle to establish a new habit, it doesn't mean you're doing something wrong.
It more likely indicates that you're lacking clear objectives to pursue.
My belief is that we encounter difficulties when trying to implement fresh habits or life hacks because we're unsure of our life's purpose and our goals aren't in harmony with our values.
Let me explain. When we set goals, we usually focus on the outcomes we want to achieve: lose weight, get promoted, start a business, learn a new skill.
These are all valid and worthy goals, but they are only part of the equation. The bigger part is the values that guide our actions and decisions. Values are the principles or beliefs that we hold to be important, and that we feel give meaning to our life. They are the "why" behind our goals. Habits are part of the ‘what’ in achieving goals i.e. what we do. They can still be important and useful, but without a driving force behind our “why”, they’re not strong enough to persist on their own.
For example, if you want to lose weight, your goal may be to reach a certain number on the scale or fit into a specific jeans size. But why do you want to do that? What values are driving this goal? Maybe you value health, self-care, or confidence. Or maybe you value the approval of others, or feeling like you should fit into societal norms? Unfortunately not all values are created equal, and as a result not all of them are good for us.
But understanding the values behind your goals will help you stay motivated and committed, even when the going gets tough.
I’ll give you a personal example. A few years ago, I had the goal of writing a fictional novel. The goal made sense to me on a rational level: reading has always been a big part of my life, I won English prizes for my writing at school, I’ve tried my hand at a few different blogs over the years. The goal of writing a book felt like it was aligned with what I might reasonably expect of myself based on my track record. And perhaps what others might expect of me. In honest hindsight, this goal at the time was most likely rooted in a poor value; ‘expectations of others’. If I could write a novel, others would think of me as having accomplished something difficult.
I first started trying to write that novel in 2014. I attacked it in fits and starts. I deployed all the effective writing habits and hacks I could find to make it stick. But it didn’t. I would go at it for a couple of months, and then it would slip off the radar for six. I’d try again, and the process would repeat.
About five years later, I embarked on a process of thinking deeply about my values. This process is something I will explore much more deeply in subsequent editions of this newsletter. But the result was that I created four values for myself that I was confident had the potential to bring consistent meaning into my life. And that would only be possible if I acted on those values consistently and intentionally.
One of those values is ‘Chase Curiosity’. I love exploring new ideas, thoughts and perspectives. In order to help keep myself on track with this value, I wanted to create an ambitious goal to aim towards. The exploration of ideas lies at the heart of writing. I believe that you never fully understand your thoughts about something until you try to write them down. Writing a novel requires the exploration of many different ideas. It felt like a goal that naturally aligned with this value. I made a commitment to it.
I then worked backwards from the goal and thought of all the actions I would need to take that would help me to achieve it. This included big things like extensive research, but also small things like reading for fun. The aim was to fill my life with opportunities to live out my value of chasing curiosity on a consistent basis.
The journey of pursuing the goal was meaningful in itself because I had defined this value as having meaning for me.
Suddenly, reading a few chapters of a new novel felt like an action that contributed to my goal, just as much as researching an article on writing styles, or taking in a lengthy Youtube video on how to plot a novel. I noticed that the ‘hacks’ or habits I now came across started slotting seamlessly into my life. I felt motivated to invest in them because they were now actions that I knew were meaningful to me. I kept the ones that worked, I cast aside the ones that didn’t, and found my rhythm. And within two years, I had written, edited, re-written, re-edited, re-written, and finally edited and released a novel.
But it didn’t feel like two years of work.
It felt like a daily habit of consistently looking for an opportunity each day to live out that particular value through a series of habits that built towards my goal.
And most importantly, I didn’t feel that I needed external validation for my goal to feel meaningful to me. The journey of pursuing the goal was meaningful in itself because I had defined this value as having meaning for me. Two years on from writing that book I can still find so much meaning in that process.
When we try to implement a new habit or life hack, we often focus on the behaviour itself: meditate for 10 minutes every morning, get daylight into your eyes before screenlight every day, write in a journal before bed, drink a glass of water as soon as you wake up, no phone time for the first hour of waking, etc. These are all great habits, but they are only effective if they are aligned with our goals and values.
If you want to meditate every morning, but you don't know why you're doing it or how it fits into your bigger picture, it will be hard to make it a sustainable habit. You may try it for a few days or weeks, but eventually, you'll give up because it doesn't feel meaningful or relevant to your life.
On the other hand, if you know that you want to meditate every morning because you value mental clarity, focus, and self-awareness, and you see how it aligns with your bigger goal of starting a business or improving your relationships, you'll be more likely to stick to it, even when it's challenging.
The same applies to life hacks. If you read an article about a new productivity hack that promises to double your output in a day, but you don't know why you want to be more productive or how it aligns with your values and goals, you'll try it for a day or two, but eventually, you'll go back to your old ways because it doesn't feel meaningful or relevant.
But if you understand that you want to be more productive because you value efficiency, progress, and contribution, and you see how it aligns with your bigger goal of writing a book or building a career, you'll be more likely to adopt the ‘hack’ and make it a part of your daily routine.
So, what's the solution? How can we align our goals and values with habits and life hacks?
First, take some time to reflect on your values. What principles or beliefs do you hold to be important and meaningful in your life? Write them down and prioritize them. These values will guide your decisions and actions, and help you stay focused on what truly matters to you.
Second, set goals that are aligned with your values. When you're setting a new goal, ask yourself why you want to achieve it and how it aligns with your values. If you can't find a connection, it may not be the right goal for you.
Third, research, discover and remain open to habits and actions that are aligned with your goals and values. Instead of trying every new trend or fad, choose the ones that resonate with you and fit into your bigger picture. Don't be afraid to experiment and adjust as needed.
Fourth, track your progress and reflect on your results. Regularly check in with yourself and see how habits are contributing to your goals and values. Celebrate your successes and learn from your failures.
Finally, be patient and persistent. Habits and life hacks take time and effort to implement and maintain. Don't give up if you don't see immediate results. Trust the process and keep moving forward. And you’ll keep finding meaning.
“Your work is to discover your work and then with all your heart to give yourself to it.”
In the bullet points above, I have summarised a process that I believe has the potential to fundamentally shift a person’s perspective on the world, and how to find meaning within it. However, this process is not easy. I know from experience. And I needed help to guide me through it.